Just a 19 year old Law student.
-Shredded wheat with lactose free milk
-1 pitta with reduced fat hummus & 1 whole bell pepper
-Roast chicken & stuffing
-Potato wedges (with ketchup)
-Green tea with lemon
-Small bowl of grapes
My final exams are approximately 2 weeks away. The exams of my final term at law school, ever (well that is if I actually pass).
I am going to be honest and say that the past 2 years of my life have been my worst so far. The reasons for this was not just due to studying law but also majorly personal reasons. I love studying law and nothing has changed in that sense, I still aspire to be a solicitor, but the likelihood of me reaching this dream is now pretty slim.
First year was a breeze. Yes, university is a big step up from sixth form and the reading load and lesson work took a bit of getting used to. But first year was easy. I passed with many Firsts and 2:1’s, but of course those grades do not contribute to your final degree classification and that sucks. I met my wonderful boyfriend in first year and I am still grateful for that. I can certainly say that I have lost all positivity. I spent that year just doings things that I wanted, I felt less restricted. Now I have just become this bitter, negative person who just complains how my life has become unbearable. I hate myself, how dare I be ungrateful for what I have and my position in life. How dare I?
In second year my grades got worse. I studied hard and it did not pay off. What was the point? I did not get a vacation scheme no matter how long I spent on applications. I began to fall behind and became desperate to gain legal experience. My father had a heart attack. Within that same weekend,my mother fell down the stairs. Their health and their bodies will never be the same. I almost lost both my parents in the space of a couple of days. This was just before Christmas and before my exams. As selfish as this will sound, I lost valuable study time spent in hospitals and caring for my parents. My binge eating and throwing up spiraled. I refuse to say that I have an eating disorder because I keep convincing myself that I am okay and it is not that bad. I stopped my only hobby of running. I gained weight, and cellulite which I hadn’t had before. The only good thing that came out of second year was the work experience I gained at a local solicitor’s firm. After 2 months unpaid work experience, I become an employed legal assistant. I still am and I am happy as my job is flexible and I could fit it around my studies. I am so grateful for the skills and experience I have gained through this job.
So I moved into third year in a bit of mess but motivated to improve my grades and try to at least get a 2:1 degree classification. My grades have been bad and it is likely that my degree will be a 2:2. And I promise you I have been studying. I don’t socialise. I don’t have hobbies. Gradually I took less and less days at work because my university load got too much. I am stuck in a horrid cycle of binge eating and then being healthy and then going back on a binge. I am at the most I have ever weighed and I hate my body more than I ever have. I cannot fit into most of my clothes and I don’t have money to buy new ones. I don’t want to leave my bed let alone my house. I have isolated myself from friends and the outside world. So much time has passed and it makes be sick because I haven’t enjoyed it at all. Worst of all my very bed friend was diagnosed with cancer on the Halloween of 2013. That was a whole new roller coaster I was not prepared for. My bestfriend, aged 20, with cancer? My best friend dying?
I will skip passed that. On a positive note, as of a few weeks ago, she is in remission. But she still has 2 horrible years of chemo to go through.
I will be running Nike’s run to the beat, 10km run in September and I have been trying to focus on training for it. I am using it as motivation to get healthy and fit again. My food diaries will also being today. I need to sort my self out.
I am also sititng here attempting to write my LPC personal statement. I planned to have this completed months ago but I have been so unmotivated to do it. I will do it. I will apply for the LPC and fingers crossed get a place on the course for this September. I have put of the application so much because I do not have a training contract nor do I have sponsorship for the course. I will be taking out a £15,000 loan from the bank with a very slim likelihood that I will get a job or training contract at the end of it.
If anyone happens to stumble across this post and is interested in studying law, don’t hesitate to ask me any questions. I am willing to provide my advice gained through experience and my opinions.
I am unhappy. I am the only person who can make myself happy again. I will do it. I know terrible things happen and they will continue to but I am more prepared than I have ever been. Life goes on.